curate to create

(Source: sedintwins, via cruelladevils)

so the supernatural gif i just reblogged sent me into a flashback and now, LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT BEING FAT.

so crystal (the gf) and i were really into supernatural when we were first friends and we went to watch ten inch hero when it came out at the newport beach film festival and, as we had kind of thought/hoped would NOT happen, jensen ackles showed up along with two of the costars of the movie and the director and writer for a q&a at the end and it was nice and friendly and blah blah blah. why it couldn’t have been clea duvall instead i will never know.

ANYWAY, we decided to be good nerds and get our pictures taken with them! because i always have my camera on me. and we made friendly conversation and took the pictures and chatted with them some more because, though it may seem the contrary, i am a DELIGHT and very non-threatening and hilarious and charming and stuff. and people love talking to me.

and while that all sounds okay, what was going on in my head was, “ugh fuck i am so fat this is going to awful kill me now i hate myself fuck everything FAT FAT FAT so ugly and now i have to be in this picture jesus fucking what the i fucking god damn it fat” which is a really ugly and miserable commentary. and these people were PERFECTLY NICE. they never even gave me that up-down-up look that real douchebags do, you know? and danneel harris and elizabeth harnois were SO SWEET. and ackles was friendly and didn’t run screaming or anything and yet still, that’s all i could hear in my head. and it wouldn’t stop.

and for the longest time, looking at these pictures KILLED ME. like, i could partially remember how fun it was and what a good time we had etc, but mostly i just obsessed over HOW HUGE i am in them and how terrible i look (which, dang, so shiny! but you know, THAT IS OKAY) and how much huger i look next to these thin, beautiful women. and ugh, what a depressing way to live, you know?

the other picture is of me and deron miller from cky. it was taken about a year prior to the other two. and that experience HAUNTS ME still. all the time. it’s like… those moments where you relive every dumb thing you have EVER SAID in your life. it’s one of those, except i didn’t say anything. my friend miriam and i met him before the concert and he was friendly and fine and took the picture with enthusiasm, but that douche in the background was like, “heh, you’re certainly his BIGGEST fan”. and like. are you kidding me, dude? YOU ARE A HANGER-ON FOR A BAND BEST KNOWN FOR ITS DRUMMER BEING BAM MARGERA’S BROTHER AND YOU’RE GONNA PLAY THAT WAY?!

but i digress. that shit HAUNTS ME. and i framed that picture but i couldn’t even LOOK at it because it dredged up so much ugly crap in me. and that SUCKS. because that was a good show! and the dude who mattered WASN’T a douche. but i could never get away from it.

and why this all matters is that, i can look at these pictures now and be like, COOL MAN I MET SOME PEOPLE AND TOOK SOME PICTURES. and i am fat in them! and that is OKAY. i can LOOK AT THESE PICTURES. and i can remember the good stuff. and they are memories and they are great and i am great and deserving of respect. i am awesome and i no longer have room in my head or my heart for the non-awesome shit that kept me down for so long.

ps: the blurry person next to me is a friend who i don’t know if she’d want herself all over the internet and the other one is my gf who HATES this picture and has not reached a place of peace with it like i have so i blurred her to stay out of trouble even though she looks totally fucking normal in it.